Wednesday, March 16, 2011

A year later...

So this spring break marks one year since I had Lap-Band surgery. Sigh. This is going to be a very depressing post. Feel free to skip it. Really, I'm warning you now.

So...I lost about 40 pounds very quickly after I had surgery. I've gained a little back but have kept most of it off. Even that isn't much to celebrate because that's what I gained after I decided to get the Lap-Band. Basically I stopped fighting myself from eating because I thought the Lap-Band would be the answer. It isn't.

It's great that I'm not gaining weight, but I didn't spend all that money (20 percent of the bill is still a lot) and go through all that pain just to not gain weight. It's still a diet, which I've failed at my whole life. The Lap-Band does curb some of the hunger but not enough. I can still eat an entire meal from a restaurant. I think the gastric sleeve would have been better for me (where they basically remove most of your stomach), but the insurance wouldn't pay for it. Had I known how badly this would fail, I might have seriously considered paying $10,000 (and then given up the idea because we don't have any money).

I can still get the band tightened some more. I may try that again. It's the carb craving that's getting me. I really wish I hadn't gone off the diet for our trip during the summer. That has resurrected my addiction to carbs, and I can't seem to kick the habit on my own.

I can also try exercise. It's pretty hard on my body, but I can do some walking. With Matt's job situation, it's just hard to work up the enthusiasm to get going. He keeps getting rejected, and as we know, depression certainly doesn't help the diet situation. Food is our comfort and what we keep falling back on.

At this point I'm just tired. Tired of fighting the hunger. Tired of thinking someday maybe this will be the thing that does it for me. I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life, but I don't want to be. No matter what successes and loves I have in my life, my weight will always be the failure that counts the most and that defines me.

See, told you, depressing.

9 comments:

Kerry said...

I'm so sorry to hear this.

My circumstances are different, but I totally hear you on the "I'm too tired". I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and long term depression. I have lost weight three times now, and each time, when the depression came back, so did the weight. So I did it again. And with the next depression, back came the weight. And round again.

Now, with my CFS gradually running me down over the years, I'm just too tired to do it all again.

I don't have an answer for you; I wish I did. But I just wanted to say that your cry of "too tired" resonates with me.

Jo said...

I'm so sorry. Being fat, and losing weight is really very difficult. For me (and I suspect for most people) to lose weight I have to be in the right mindset - and it has taken me a long, long time to find it. I wish I could pass on whatever it is that is finally working here over to you.

I know dieting isn't right for you, but I wondered if some kind of talking therapy might help? Try to break the emotional need and desire for food? Comfort eating is a real crutch (I know, I've been there), but maybe it's like a bad 'habit' (like smoking) that can be broken - and we all need different help to achieve it. Perhaps try tacking it as a psychological issue, rather just a food one? I'm just rambling now but I just wish I could help...
{{hugs}}

Jo said...

I forgot to say - 40lbs lighter is still 40 lbs lighter, and something to be proud of. It might just be the start, but each and every pound counts. Having been dieting for over a year I truly believe that staying the same, or losing just 1/2 lb is a truly great achievement.

Alice said...

Carbs are evil. Stress is a major roadblock to weight loss. Depression is an illness. Do you still have medical support? I am a comfort eater too and that is one hard thing to change! You feel as though your only pleasure in life is food and why would you want to give that up?
Hang in there, I know it's tough. Don't look at your weight as a personal failure (easy to say I know) but as a personal challenge. Don't stop trying! You are so much more than your body. Hugs.

Lee said...

Your comment about carbs really stood out to me. I think many people are in the same boat, and I'm one of them, too.

Here's a good thing from your post: Even though you're feeling helpless about overeating right now, you recognize your "triggers" and your comfort eating. I have to think that's a good sign!

Z said...

{Hugs} I wish I had something to say that would help, but I don't, so I'll just give you hugs.

Annette said...

You are not defined by your weight. Weight is a number on a scale. How do you feel? Do you feel good? Do the clothes fit? Are they comfortable? Are you able to accomplish what you need to do? If so, accept the number (or ignore it) and let the stress go.

Celebrate those 40 lbs gone and continue making small changes, if they make sense. And if you fall back...tomorrow is another day :)

Jo who can't think of a clever nickname said...

Sorry to hear you struggle with you weight, but as the others said "40lb is 40lb" and a good start.
I find I never eat in the evenings because I always have my hands full of cross stitching! A simple trick but it works for me.
Walking is good how about swimming? I loved doing aqua natal when I was pregnant and no-one can see you once you're in the water!

Susan said...

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your weight loss struggle. I read your post and can feel the pain behind your words. It easy to tell yourself that you are a failure-it's almost like some people are hardwired to always believe the negative. But the truth is-you have lost some weight, and you should be proud of that. Every single pound that comes off is a result of a positive choice you've made-so be proud of yourself!