So...I lost about 40 pounds very quickly after I had surgery. I've gained a little back but have kept most of it off. Even that isn't much to celebrate because that's what I gained after I decided to get the Lap-Band. Basically I stopped fighting myself from eating because I thought the Lap-Band would be the answer. It isn't.
It's great that I'm not gaining weight, but I didn't spend all that money (20 percent of the bill is still a lot) and go through all that pain just to not gain weight. It's still a diet, which I've failed at my whole life. The Lap-Band does curb some of the hunger but not enough. I can still eat an entire meal from a restaurant. I think the gastric sleeve would have been better for me (where they basically remove most of your stomach), but the insurance wouldn't pay for it. Had I known how badly this would fail, I might have seriously considered paying $10,000 (and then given up the idea because we don't have any money).
I can still get the band tightened some more. I may try that again. It's the carb craving that's getting me. I really wish I hadn't gone off the diet for our trip during the summer. That has resurrected my addiction to carbs, and I can't seem to kick the habit on my own.
I can also try exercise. It's pretty hard on my body, but I can do some walking. With Matt's job situation, it's just hard to work up the enthusiasm to get going. He keeps getting rejected, and as we know, depression certainly doesn't help the diet situation. Food is our comfort and what we keep falling back on.
At this point I'm just tired. Tired of fighting the hunger. Tired of thinking someday maybe this will be the thing that does it for me. I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life, but I don't want to be. No matter what successes and loves I have in my life, my weight will always be the failure that counts the most and that defines me.
See, told you, depressing.